[ D]reaming under the [ S]tars

Friday, October 28, 2005

You think it doesn't hurt at all to have your friends come up all the way into the train station consoling you not to leave? You think it doesn't hurt to just leave my friends just like that? You think it doesn't hurt to see my own friends getting worried about me? You think I don't want to celebrate Shi Fu's birthday together with you all? You think I don't want to gather around, chat, laugh and joke together with you people? Why am I such a failure? Why can't I be satisfied with my current friends? I have dreams, wishes, aspirations for the Buddhist world and society too but... they all seems far-fetched and impossible.
I want to play with my friends, laugh with my friends, hang out around with them, joke together, learn together, help each other but... perhaps I am really destined to be lonely or am I not? Why can't I just be nice to my friends?
When they all stopped me from boarding the train, it didn't feel good. It was like a thousand needles piercing through your heart. I tried to hold my tears. I know its foolish but perhaps that is some thing which I cannot change.
Some times when I look at the distant skies, the stars or the clouds I really do wonder, what my future holds for me. Will I really be able to contribute great things just like my dreams are? At this moment, I am lost, really lost...

_just me_
12:54 AM

Monday, October 10, 2005

"Hooray! I finally passed my Distinction Award lifesaving exam!"
Today, I realised quite a lot of things which might affect my life forever...
Right now, I have decided that I will make the buddhist world prosper in terms of darma classes, events and so on. Though seemingly far-fetched, I strongly believe that, with the help of people around me and the buddha, nothing is impossible!
When I look at my results and at the same time, friends around me, I find that... I cannot be compared to them AT ALL. I told myself, "this cannot go on any more! If I were to wish for a better future, this is the first gate to pass." I cannot allow myself to dwell on things that when accomplished, it only benefits myself, benefits no one or harms every one.
It seems to be, to study well is quite impossible since I don't have much intelligence. Yet, I know that I have to change this. How am I going to teach when I am unqualified? How am I going teach when I know nothing? Thus, I must and I have to study hard.
When I look around, I always feel regretful about this and that. However, when regrets come, have I ever made an effort to change it? Why do I always have to live with regrets yet keep repeating it? WHY?! Honestly speaking, my greatest regret is that that I didn't study well in my primary school and secondary school days. TO be specific, regreted that I didn't put in more effort for Chinese. As a Chinese, I am embarressed to even say that. Yet, right now, another chance will never come to me again ever...
I have decided, NO MORE! Buddha, oh buddha, would you mind helping me? Some times, just the thought about my future can send chills up my spine. Perhaps I really don't it but, I am willing to change! I am willing to learn which I must and have to... because I am a true buddhist!

_just me_
1:51 AM

Sunday, October 02, 2005

"Jeez!" I finally came back from the camp. It was a two days one night camp at Kuang Ming Shan Pok Ka See~in short PKS temple la... well actually for me, it was three days and two nights.
It was about 6PM when I left Hai Inn Temple and headed to PKS (hardworking huh?). All I know is..... it is a long long way there...
Upon reaching there, all I know is that a giant roaring in my stomach. Damm hungry man! Thus, I had to buy Long John Silvers and eat outside PKS at the bus-stop... pathetique huh?
While I went in, I was greeted by many camp-mates. Though it was a dark cold night but my heart felt warm; my tireness and worries dissappeared without knowning. We had quite a lot of briefing or rather discussion before sleeping... Oh! Did I mentioned that I came a day earlier to help out?
I was given the task of brining our arriving camp-mates from Bishan to PKS. Theoretically, there was supposed to be 25 people but... GUESS WHAT??!! Only 5 turned up!! Gosh!
We then played many games like Attack and Defense, Octopus, Ball Game, Memorisation Game and many more... I can tell you dudes reading this... THE FOOD THERE IS HEAVENLY BEYOND DESCRIPTION! EXTREMELY SUMPTOUS!
Then, we then got the chance to tour around PKS and got to know it a lot more. Shees, there was this big female dog (xiao huang), vegetarian dog... ate too much!
Unfortunately, I had swimming lessons on Saturday and thus, I got to rush to it. When I came back, it was 9Pm already. For the rest of the night, I became quite or rather very quite perhaps due to my muscles aching from the swim to such that many peopel were worried... gomen nasai!
Ahh! The good thing is that, I BROUGHT MY JACKET! Thus, I managed to sleep very soundly. That night, though tired but when I saw the secenry, I thought about a lot of stuffs and realised a lot of things. Finally, I said this to myself ... "ore wa... hitori ja nai! Kure wa ore no tomo yo!"
On Sunday, we played a lot of games and had a lot of interaction. My favourite was the Sing Along Session. Though I know I can't sing but I still sang!
After that, we helped to pack things up. I grabbed the cup noodles to eat but upon eating some one said "ITS EXPIRED!" and I went "OH MY GREAT BUDDHA!" Well, it already went down... bo bian...
We took a lot of photographs and signed each other's camp booklet for memory. Though tried after the camp, I felt that the 5 dollars I paid.... was just a small little token compared to the food, accomodation, games and acitivities, friends I made and most importantly, every ones' effort! I am left with no better words to describe how honoured and happy I am. Thank you every one for organising the camp and making it so successful. I really hope to see and join another one.
For now, time for some rest! Bah! Can't take it any longer... nitez

_just me_
8:08 PM